So I began thinking about what has been the biggest shift for me over the past couple years. Like what was the one concept that gave me the most freedom? This took me longer than it should have, more runs than normal, to peel back the layers and land on what is one of the most important lessons of my life, to date.
It was hidden under so much because it was ingrained in me at a young and highly influential time in my life.
You see when I was 13 I had a boy ask me to be his girlfriend and I said no, unapologetically.
I stood sound in that decision for about 45 minutes and then I became very aware of how this would be the day I never forgot. You see, that boy, went home a took a gun to his head and ended his life. I got the call, 45 minutes after our conversation.
In my scope of reality, I was the last person to speak to him that day. In my scope of reality, I was the straw that broke the camels back.
Something happened to me that day: life, people, relationships, value, worthiness, all of it became somewhat transactional.
I became apologetic.
You trade one thing for another. Good or bad or indifferent….everything was just transactions and consequences. I spent most of my teenage years with a subconscious guide that if I do it wrong, whatever “it” was, I then had no control over how the outcome would play out.
This began the cycle of people pleasing. Transactions between me and others to make sure I had my hand in controlling how they felt. To make sure they were OK, despite how it made me feel. I would take the fall every time if I thought it meant not feeling the way I felt that day.
It worked, for the most part. Until it didn’t.
Before I knew it, in my early twenties, I was in a relationship and I learned that if I didn’t smile too big in public, I wouldn’t be called a cunt, a whore, or a slut when I got home. Transactional.
The feelings I stuffed became a bit overwhelming at that time, so then food became the next thing. I could eat all I wanted to, to make the feelings dissipate and then purge. Transactional.
Then I left and had no grounding, and of course, it was all my fault, so I medicated. Anti depressants and anti anxiety. Transactional.
Then I got married. How do I be the perfect wife? Transactional.
Then I had kids. How do I be the perfect mom? Transactional.
Then I worked too much, because money was freedom in my mind. It was the thing that gave me permission to live the life I wanted and do the things I wanted to do, without justification. Transactional.
Who I voted for or didn’t vote for, my totality tied up into that. Transactional.
So what has changed for me over the past couple of years, what has been my biggest shift? I stopped being transactional. I decided that my worth is not dependent on how others see my choices or my motives or my circumstances or my body.
That one decision I made/make does not define my totality.
I eat to fuel my body and I enjoy ice cream and pizza with my kids.
I run in the mountains because it allows me the gift of being present, and it often takes away time with my husband and kids.
I don’t do things that do not serve my emotional/mental well-being, even if it benefits someone else.
I am unapologetic in who I am at a core and I don’t apologize for things that I shouldn’t.
I seek and have built a relationship with God outside of organized religion.
I have stopped making life a series of transactions and started believing that life is a series of experiences that are there to refine us and remind us of who we are and who we are meant to be, wholly enough and cherished.
Transactions are not meant for emotions and/or worth. Life is not meant to be a transaction.
Where are the places in your life that you are playing a series of transactions instead of living a series of experiences? Your food? Your relationships? Your worth? Your career?
One of the biggest areas of life that I find women playing the Transactional game, is their body, their food and their worth. Movement/exercise is not made to negate the food you ate. Movement is not a transactional punishment for eating ice cream with your kids. Your worth is not made greater by shrinking your body. You are not made enough through restrictions, hours in the gym and fitting in smaller pant size.
Does any of this resonate?
I am now booking clients for January 2020. Are you ready to live through experiences vs transactions?
This is heavy. Reach out. Be unapologetic. Find yourself again. I am here for you.